Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Bad Movies that are Awesome #2 Road House

Hey everyone, welcome back to another installment of BMTAA. Thanks to everyone for your input last week and on facebook this week. All of your suggestions have been noted and there is a number of great ones that I will definitely do in the future. The unfortunate thing is some of the movies that were listed I haven't seen in a while so while I'm going out scouring the Wal-Mart cheapy bin, let's take a look at this classic of cheese.

Patrick Swayze stars as James Dalton (although the film very rarely if at all mentions his first name), a bad ass, world famous cooler (aka head bouncer) who is brought in to help clean up The Double Deuce, one of the meanest bars in Missouri.

Now before I go any further, take a minute and think about that. World famous bouncer. Okay, maybe not world famous but at least North American famous (this made clear in the movie by the fact everyone knows Dalton's name). Now in your years on this planet, you have probably come to know at least one bouncer. Now your friends may know him from you for instance but does anyone else? For instance I know there's a Samoan bouncer that works at a club in downtown Toronto due to my friends at The WingMen. I know they've nicknamed him Samoa Joe. I don't think any of my friends would have any idea who he was if I brought it up. In fact the only well known "bouncer" I can think of, is Mr. T but it wasn't like he was incredibly well known when he was a bouncer.

The point is, Dalton is obviously awesome.

Now being a bouncer, the first thing Dalton does is buys a beater car and hides his BMW. The second thing he does is find a place to live with a kindly farmer.
The third thing he does is check out The Double Deuce which is a hole. The house band is surrounded by chicken wire which is always a bad sign. In fact we see the crowd appreciate the band's great performance by clapping and then whipping beer bottles at them... did I mention the band is played by The Jeff Healey Band and that Jeff Healey is blind? Yes the bar patrons show their love by throwing bottles at the blind guy.

Dalton also spies drugs being dealt, underage girls being let in finally culminating in a huge bar room brawl. Like absolutely huge, Wrestlemania sized fight.

The next day, Dalton cleans house, he gets rid of the idiots, he instills rules of bouncing that have been handed down to him from from the god of bouncing.

Dalton: All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it's absolutely necessary. And three, be nice.

The next night Dalton gets rid of one of the bar tenders for skimming money from the till and the guy fucking an underage girl in the back room...the weird thing is apparently he has to get completely naked where as the girl kind of hikes her skirt and has her top pulled over her boobs.

But lo and behold, the bartender happens to be Wesley's nephew and Wesley happens to be the evil town over lord. More violence occurs, Dalton has to go to the doctor who happens to be hot and can't resist Dalton.

Back at the bar, more violence happens but the bar is starting to look much better. In the meantime we find out how much of an asshole Wesley is...he even beats on his own henchmen.

Dalton and Doc go out and then they go out again and he plows her. Little do we know that Wesley is watching because the Doctor is his ex wife.

Shit starts to get even heavier but then Dalton's backup arrives, Wade Garret arrives! Wade is apparently a god amongst bouncers.

Then we get into full blown action mode which is where this movie shines. More fights, more romance, more one liners, a monster truck, Wade ends up dead and Swayze tears out a dude's throat with his bare hands!!!!!!

Which comes to a violent confrontation between Dalton and Wesley, Wesley's guys and a huge taxidermyed bear!

Road House was a ton of 80's action movie cliche's all rolled into one. There is no real reason to drive a monster truck unless you're in Monster Jam but what the hell put it in the movie cause it looks cool. There's martial arts, there's beatings, there's one of my favorite wrestlers of all time, Terry Funk, playing a thug. There's bare ass, there's tits, there's good music played by a blind man. Great dialogue like:

Red Webster: How long are you gonna be in town?

Dalton: Not very long.

Red Webster: That's what I said 25 years ago.

Dalton: Really? What happened?

Red Webster: I got married to an ugly woman. Don't ever do that. It just takes the energy right out of you. She left me, though. Found somebody even uglier than she was. That's life. Who can explain it?

If I haven't convinced you how awesome this is, there is more!

A special edition dvd version of Road House is available. What makes this version buying worth buying over the bar bones dvd?

A commentary track by Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier. And man do they have fun ripping on this movie. Followed by that is a text commentary/trivia track written by someone who love to make fun of the Swazdog. Currently listed on Amazon for $9.99, how can you go wrong?
Until next week the balcony is...wait...I don't have a balcony


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