Monday, July 16, 2012

The Road to The Expendables 2: Jean Claude Van Damme in Cyborg



Jean Claude Van Damme vs Cyborg Pirates... we think
Explosion Count: None. Unless you count sparks as it explosions



After last week's review of Masters of the Universe, I turned my attention to Van Damme's Cyborg. For those of you who are unaware, Cannon Films was setting up to make a sequel to the He-Man film... and then couldn't afford the rights. Unfortunately the film company had already spent 2 million dollars on sets and costumes so they just wrote another movie over a weekend and cast Van Damme as the hero...

... wait a minute...

... 2 MILLION DOLLARS?

WHAT THE HELL WAS IT SPENT ON????

I had never seen Cyborg until we sat down to watch it. Honestly, I think I had caught the end of the film several times on TBS but never the whole thing and boy, I am so glad that I didn't. I watch a lot of bad movies and this one was so uninteresting, I barely know what it was about. There is a woman who's a cyborg, who holds the cure to some plague. Then we have Van Dmme is a "slinger" which is kind of like a gunslinger or ronin type guy. He initially helps the woman cyborg until he gets the crap kicked out of him by another cyborg called Fender. Apparently Fender killed Van Damme's pseudo family in flashbacks where Van Damme wore a horrible mullet wig.

And that's all I can really tell you. This movie lost my interest in about 15 minutes. It was obvious that a lot of the violence was cut for a rating so there wasn't even that to help sustain it. But here are kind of the notes I took whenever something remotely interesting happened.

- Noticed that most of the villains are named after guitars.
"My name is Fender and I rock! ... GET IT?"


- I'm not the biggest fan of Masters of the Universe but if the sets and costumes in this were honestly for a sequel, it really would have been a downgrade from the first one.

- Hey! There's the guy who played Conan on tv.

- Seriously that's a horrible wig.
"My Chris Gaines look"


- There's a scene where Van Damme is crucified by the bad guys and all I could think of was "Were they going to crucify fucking He-Man?"


The Gen Summation

"Even with ice creme this movie was terrible. And ice creme makes everything better!"

Later this week: Jet Li!

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