Bad Movies that are Awesome #2 Road House

Hey everyone, welcome back to another installment of BMTAA. Thanks to everyone for your input last week and on facebook this week. All of your suggestions have been noted and there is a number of great ones that I will definitely do in the future. The unfortunate thing is some of the movies that were listed I haven't seen in a while so while I'm going out scouring the Wal-Mart cheapy bin, let's take a look at this classic of cheese.

Patrick Swayze stars as James Dalton (although the film very rarely if at all mentions his first name), a bad ass, world famous cooler (aka head bouncer) who is brought in to help clean up The Double Deuce, one of the meanest bars in Missouri.

Now before I go any further, take a minute and think about that. World famous bouncer. Okay, maybe not world famous but at least North American famous (this made clear in the movie by the fact everyone knows Dalton's name). Now in your years on this planet, you have probably come to know at least one bouncer. Now your friends may know him from you for instance but does anyone else? For instance I know there's a Samoan bouncer that works at a club in downtown Toronto due to my friends at The WingMen. I know they've nicknamed him Samoa Joe. I don't think any of my friends would have any idea who he was if I brought it up. In fact the only well known "bouncer" I can think of, is Mr. T but it wasn't like he was incredibly well known when he was a bouncer.

The point is, Dalton is obviously awesome.

Now being a bouncer, the first thing Dalton does is buys a beater car and hides his BMW. The second thing he does is find a place to live with a kindly farmer.

The third thing he does is check out The Double Deuce which is a hole. The house band is surrounded by chicken wire which is always a bad sign. In fact we see the crowd appreciate the band's great performance by clapping and then whipping beer bottles at them... did I mention the band is played by The Jeff Healey Band and that Jeff Healey is blind? Yes the bar patrons show their love by throwing bottles at the blind guy.

Dalton also spies drugs being dealt, underage girls being let in finally culminating in a huge bar room brawl. Like absolutely huge, Wrestlemania sized fight.

The next day, Dalton cleans house, he gets rid of the idiots, he instills rules of bouncing that have been handed down to him from from the god of bouncing.

Dalton: All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it's absolutely necessary. And three, be nice.

The next night Dalton gets rid of one of the bar tenders for skimming money from the till and the guy fucking an underage girl in the back room...the weird thing is apparently he has to get completely naked where as the girl kind of hikes her skirt and has her top pulled over her boobs.

But lo and behold, the bartender happens to be Wesley's nephew and Wesley happens to be the evil town over lord. More violence occurs, Dalton has to go to the doctor who happens to be hot and can't resist Dalton.

Back at the bar, more violence happens but the bar is starting to look much better. In the meantime we find out how much of an asshole Wesley is...he even beats on his own henchmen.

Dalton and Doc go out and then they go out again and he plows her. Little do we know that Wesley is watching because the Doctor is his ex wife.

Shit starts to get even heavier but then Dalton's backup arrives, Wade Garret arrives! Wade is apparently a god amongst bouncers.

Then we get into full blown action mode which is where this movie shines. More fights, more romance, more one liners, a monster truck, Wade ends up dead and Swayze tears out a dude's throat with his bare hands!!!!!!

Which comes to a violent confrontation between Dalton and Wesley, Wesley's guys and a huge taxidermyed bear!

Road House was a ton of 80's action movie cliche's all rolled into one. There is no real reason to drive a monster truck unless you're in Monster Jam but what the hell put it in the movie cause it looks cool. There's martial arts, there's beatings, there's one of my favorite wrestlers of all time, Terry Funk, playing a thug. There's bare ass, there's tits, there's good music played by a blind man. Great dialogue like:

Red Webster: How long are you gonna be in town?

Dalton: Not very long.

Red Webster: That's what I said 25 years ago.

Dalton: Really? What happened?

Red Webster: I got married to an ugly woman. Don't ever do that. It just takes the energy right out of you. She left me, though. Found somebody even uglier than she was. That's life. Who can explain it?

If I haven't convinced you how awesome this is, there is more!

A special edition dvd version of Road House is available. What makes this version buying worth buying over the bar bones dvd?

A commentary track by Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier. And man do they have fun ripping on this movie. Followed by that is a text commentary/trivia track written by someone who love to make fun of the Swazdog. Currently listed on Amazon for $9.99, how can you go wrong?

Until next week the balcony is...wait...I don't have a balcony

Brent

Bad Movies that are Awesome! #1: Marked for Death

Hey everyone, welcome to a new segment of the site called Bad Movies that are Awesome or BMTAA! for short.

Once a week I'm going to blog about a guilty pleasure movie. A movie that I have no allusions on how bad it is in reality but somehow manages to kick ass.

First up we have the Steven Seagal masterpiece, Marked for Death.

Marked for Death is kind of an end to makeshift trilogy of sorts. While he was playing characters under different names much like the man with no name (who did have a name in each of the three dollar movies), Segal essentially plays the same guy; bad ass cop/cia agent/dea agent out to get the bad guys who end up threatening his family or worse. Even the trailer below insinuates this.




In this particular film, Seagal plays John Hatcher. A DEA Agent who has seen one too many bad things including his partner being shot down like a punk by a Mexican whore.

Please note, when busting a drug cartel, there's a good chance even naked whores are armed.

Anyways, Hatcher has quit the DEA and has gone home to live with his mom and sister and his sister's little girl. We discover Hatcher is good with guns. He has a collection of old ones in his old room (apparently Hatcher's mom left it exactly how it was) which for some reason he decides to clean one of them as a family reunion is going on downstairs.

But Hatcher's small town dreams are slightly dashed while he is visiting his buddy Max (played by awesome bad movie staple Keith David). Max and Hatcher were in 'Nam together, that's why they're buddies. But all around the field there are evil Jamaicans selling weed, coke and GASP the eviliest of all 80's/90's drugs, crack.

Meanwhile the vile Jamaicans offer a deal to the slightly less vile but certainly more greasy Colombian drug lords. We discover the Jamaican bad guy is named Screwface (guess the due liked Bob Marley) who has magical voodoo powers. Or as another evil Jamaican puts it best in Predator 2 "Fookin voodoo magic mahn!"

The Colombians tell Screwface to fuck off.

Meanwhile, Hatcher and Max go to a bar. Colombian greasy drug guys are there... in bursts the Jamaicans and the shoot the shit out of the Colombians and the entire bar. Hatcher catches one of them and makes him feel pain! By the way, the Jamaicans name is apparently Monkey...I am amazed that the NAACP did not complain about a black guy not only being portrayed as a drug dealer in the movie but a black guy named Monkey who deals drugs.

This sets off a vendetta between Hatcher and the Jamaicans. First the Jamaicans drive by Hatcher's house and brain damage his niece. The Hatcher and Max go after the Jamaicans with the most awesome of dialogue:

Drug Dealer: "Hey you want some blow?"

Hatcher: "Yeah, I want some blow. Put your hands where I can see 'em or I'm gonna blow your head off."

How can you argue with that?

That then leads to the Jamaicans breaking into the house and Screwface himself is about to sacrifice Hatcher's sister to some voodoo god or something when Hatcher saves the day.

Then Hatcher goes to Jamaica and decapitates Screwface.

Then Screwface comes back from the dead!

Oh wait, it's his twin brother no one realised existed.

Hatcher kills Screwface #2 by taking both thumbs and jamming SF#2's eyes in past the sockets and then trows him down an elevator shaft on to a sharp pointy thing.

It is terrible and awesome at the same time

Now beyond that awesome, the film is very important in bad films in various ways.

- Marked for Death also marked the end of the first round of Seagal as Bad Ass Cop. His next few movies he became a Bad Ass Chef/Military guy.

- Seagal was still reasonably in good shape.

- This also appears to be the first time we see the musical side of Seagal as he co-wrote one of the songs that regga vet Jimmy Cliff. Seagal would later go onto more musical glory with his band Thunderbox.

- The last part of the last note was sarcasm.

Despite how bad this film is there is something wonderfully awesome about it. Especially the violence. In the 80's and 90's, people always complained about the amount of violence in action movies. But now that I looked back at least there was consequences to that violence. Sure it would take 20 bullets but at least they bled and died, now guy gets shot once and he falls over but he might as well be sleeping.

And COME ON! SEAGAL POKES A DUDE'S EYES INTO HIS HEAD WITH HIS THUMBS!!!

See you next week.

General Update

Hey everyone, hope you enjoyed the interview with Alan Cross that we posted not too long ago.

I know it was a little different for us but I think it's also a realm we'll dive into now and again. I think Alan enjoyed it and even gave us a little plug on his website.

In the meantime, we will be recording a brand new episode this weekend focusing on the new Ghostbusters video game in at least 2 versions.

Now it's time to tease you a little bit.

We have a tentative agreement with a very popular company to provide us with a few guests for the episode(s) we are going to be recording at Fan Expo.

until it's 100% who we are getting I'm going to be a little coy about the details but I will say that one of the guests we have been guaranteed is kind of a biggy for the geek community. Now some hints.

- This person has appeared on The Colbert Report
- They have also been on The Today show.
- They also at one time made a living playing in a band around the NYC/ New Jersey area.

Until next time
Brent

TATANS Extra #2: An Interview with Alan Cross

The Two Assholes have been using the time since the Anime North tapings and the upcoming tapings to do a little bit of side work.

We sat down with Alan Cross (of Explore Music and Radio fame) to discuss the past and future shifts in media, media industries, and how people interact with media, in response to changing technology. Yes, there are a considerable number of tangents and sidetracks (like telephone calls), as it wouldn't be Two Assholes Talking About Nerd Stuff without them. Granted, this isn't exactly the lightest of subject material, but it's an important topic to consider, especially as the years go on. Comments are always appreciated, especially if you enjoyed the extra.

Enjoy the discussion, we'll be back to our regular programming soon.

Also, since I rather enjoy dropping the easter eggs, see if you can spot the clue as to our next episode.

Download TATANS Extra #2: An Interview with Alan Cross

Episode 9 (High Quality)

We're back after a short delay, with our Anime North 2009 episode. Thanks to the good people at TRPA, we were able to get into the geek-fest that is Anime North, and do two live recordings (which Adam has skilfully merged into a single episode) in the middle of crowded public areas.

All in all, a pretty good show. We met some new people, lured some random attractive females on to the show for a few questions, and hopefully gathered a smattering of new listeners.

Keep a look out for the hidden Easter Egg in this Episode. I'm not telling you what or where it is, only that there's a hidden link somewhere in there. Just listen to the episode over and over until you find it.

Download Episode 9 - iPod Enhanced Version (High Quality)

Episode 9

We're back after a short delay, with our Anime North 2009 episode. Thanks to the good people at TRPA, we were able to get into the geek-fest that is Anime North, and do two live recordings (which Adam has skilfully merged into a single episode) in the middle of crowded public areas.

All in all, a pretty good show. We met some new people, lured some random attractive females on to the show for a few questions, and hopefully gathered a smattering of new listeners.

Keep a look out for the hidden Easter Egg in this Episode. I'm not telling you what or where it is, only that there's a hidden link somewhere in there. Just listen to the episode over and over until you find it.

Download Episode 9 - iPod Enhanced Version